HIV has impacted my life in both very positive and very negative ways. My experience with HIV started two years ago when my boyfriend back then disclosed his HIV+ status to me under unfortunate circumstances (I was breaking up our relationship cause I found him cheating on me). It caught me by surprise because, although we just had like 6 months being together, I trusted him so much. We even discussed the STD topic a couple of times, especially because for one reason or another, we already had unprotected sex. At that time, he told me he was free of any STDs and so I believed him. I was probably naive or stupid but I loved him and I couldn’t imagine he wasn’t being honest.
When he finally told me about his status, I was even more shocked of the way he spoke it out, I’ll never forget his words, OK, so you really want me to tell you what’s wrong with me? I’m going to die”… Now that I look back and analyse his phrase I realise how wrong it is in so many ways. He also had blamed me for giving it to him. I was totally overwhelmed because first, I was sure that before being with him I was negative and I couldn’t figure out how, had I given it to him, I got it.
That day [he told me] I went to the clinic to be tested and the result came out negative. He then told me the truth that he knew he was positive since two years. To my dismay the health worker told me the result wasn’t conclusive at that point because I had to wait at least a month and a half after exposure to be sure. So that whole month I waited was a nightmare in some aspects because being from a generation who grew up with movies like Kids or Philadelphia, I really thought I would end up seroconverting by the end of that month. Any simple change on my body was, to me, a sign of seroconversion.
My boyfriend didn’t help much to relief me,because he was always complaining of how bad it was to live with HIV. He even told me, a couple of times, that he was thinking of leaving his drugs because they would damage his body and he was especially concerned of his looks. So it was such a stressful time for me. By the time I could have myself tested again I was resigned in some way and I ended up assuming my responsibility. Nevertheless, it came out negative again. My boyfriend and I split a little after that; he didn’t want to be with me anymore even if I was ready to accept his positive status.
After that I became paranoid and I got tested at least every two months for a year. I couldn’t understand how it was possible that I didn’t get HIV. I started talking with doctors and began searching in specialized forums, where I became more aware of how HIV really works. I can say I learnt the bad way. I also started to realise how many poz friends I actually had but didn’t know of their status until I told them my experience in an attempt to understand this bad situation.
Now, after two years, I can say I’m a more informed person. I can say I’ve learned to appreciate my life and to take responsibility of my actions, even if I know for sure that under a correct treatment and early detection, HIV is not a death sentence. I have also realised that I would engage in a serodiscordant relationship with someone I love, as long as the other person is honest and responsible for himself, that is if he loves himself. This is why I think it’s important to fight the stigma of HIV, because I’m pretty sure my ex boyfriend lied to me out of fear. That doesn’t mean I justify his actions, but I wonder how much of this fear comes from a society that is afraid of what it ignores or misunderstands.
[Minor edits have been made in grammar, and one sentence has been changed for clarity sake. The author of the piece authorized these changes.]