VIH/SIDA

On the surface, HIV has not had a big impact on my life. I’m HIV negative -or so the tests have claimed. I have used protection most times. And I don’t know many people who are HIV positive or who have shared that part of their life with me. I do not have big, personal stories to tell regarding the virus, and I’m not an activist. I’m simply a gay man who, like most others, has sex. That is, however, enough reason to engage in discussion: I consider myself part of a group of people where infection rates are higher compared to the general population, so simply turning a blind eye with inner hopes that disease won’t strike, as I have done before, is not a healthy strategy.

There are still many double standards that permeate gay life in Mexico City. Some are reminiscent of Mexico’s traditionally catholic and macho culture. It is in this context that HIV gets to play an uncomfortable role. There is definitely a stigma associated with the virus, a lot of misinformation and shame associated with being a carrier (I consider myself guilty of not being informed enough). For instance, once I was getting tested in one of the main clinics that specially caters to the LGBT population in Mexico City. I was shocked to feel scolded by the counselor that gave me my results in a conversation that felt like an attempt to bring shame into the table. As I said before, the test turned out to be negative, so I was only left wondering how that particular exchange would have been had the results been positive, when I would have been at a most vulnerable moment.

Lastly, and this is of course something I state from personal experience, I feel that is a consensus among some gay men on how casual sex is fine, as long as it’s safe. That’s fantastic. Yet to treat unsafe sex as an outlier to be rebuked is probably just to hold an unrealistic goal that may even do more harm than good. In the end, it states a line of thinking that dictates how people should act, and ignores how people actually behave. HIV is probably not going away, at least in the foreseeable future, but neither are risky sex practices. It’s an unfortunate combination, but the pressing matter is to know how to deal with it. Of course, I do not claim to hold any answers, but I do think it is of utter importance to open up dialogue.

HIV has impacted my life in both very positive and very negative ways. My experience with HIV started two years ago when my boyfriend back then disclosed his HIV+ status to me under unfortunate circumstances (I was breaking up our relationship cause I found him cheating on me). It caught me by surprise because, although we just had like 6 months being together, I trusted him so much. We even discussed the STD topic a couple of times, especially because for one reason or another, we already had unprotected sex. At that time, he told me he was free of any STDs and so I believed him. I was probably naive or stupid but I loved him and I couldn’t imagine he wasn’t being honest.

When he finally told me about his status, I was even more shocked of the way he spoke it out, I’ll never forget his words,  OK, so you really want me to tell you what’s wrong with me? I’m going to die”… Now that I look back and analyse his phrase I realise how wrong it is in so many ways. He also had blamed me for giving it to him. I was totally overwhelmed because first, I was sure that before being with him I was negative and I couldn’t figure out how, had I given it to him, I got it.

That day [he told me] I went to the clinic to be tested and the result came out negative. He then told me the truth that he knew he was positive since two years. To my dismay the health worker told me the result wasn’t conclusive at that point because I had to wait at least a month and a half after exposure to be sure. So that whole month I waited was a nightmare in some aspects because being from a generation who grew up with movies like Kids or Philadelphia, I really thought I would end up seroconverting by the end of that month. Any simple change on my body was, to me, a sign of seroconversion.

My boyfriend didn’t help much to relief me,because he was always complaining of how bad it was to live with HIV. He even told me, a couple of times, that he was thinking of leaving his drugs because they would damage his body and he was especially concerned of his looks. So it was such a stressful time for me. By the time I could have myself tested again I was resigned in some way and I ended up assuming my responsibility. Nevertheless, it came out negative again. My boyfriend and I split a little after that; he didn’t want to be with me anymore even if I was ready to accept his positive status.

After that I became paranoid and I got tested at least every two months for a year. I couldn’t understand how it was possible that I didn’t get HIV. I started talking with doctors and began searching in specialized forums, where I became more aware of how HIV really works. I can say I learnt the bad way. I also started to realise how many poz friends I actually had but  didn’t know of their status until I told them my experience in an attempt to understand this bad situation.

Now, after two years, I can say I’m a more informed person. I can say I’ve learned to appreciate my life and to take responsibility of my actions, even if I know for sure that under a correct treatment and early detection, HIV is not a death sentence. I have also realised that I would engage in a serodiscordant relationship with someone I love, as long as the other person is honest and responsible for himself, that is if he loves himself. This is why I think it’s important to fight the stigma of HIV, because I’m pretty sure my ex boyfriend lied to me out of fear. That doesn’t mean I justify his actions, but I wonder how much of this fear comes from a society that is afraid of what it ignores or misunderstands.


[Minor edits have been made in grammar, and one sentence has been changed for clarity sake. The author of the piece authorized these changes.]

HIV has impacted my day-to-day life since I devoted my life to basic research about the virus. At the moment I am a PhD student in the National University of Mexico (UNAM), close to fulfilling the requisites for graduation, I do my research in the centre of research in infectious diseases (CIENI). It is a laboratory that belongs to the Ministry of Health.

HIV cure is the career focus of many scientists around the globe. It is essential to join minds and efforts in order to find strategies that could lead us to this elusive goal. Being a gay man growing in a third world country where stigmatization strongly affects the perception of HIV disease, I started my scientific career with the aim of contributing with knowledge that could someday lead to HIV cure. It is a motivation for me knowing that I can contribute to this goal, when I have been around young men that leave themselves to die of AIDS in my country because of stigmatization, ignorance and fear.

My research at the moment is contributing with knowledge on a model where two selective pressures (antiretroviral therapy and the immune response) could converge to limit HIV variation and replication. I have been able to find widely spread responses to HIV peptides that include drug resistance mutations, that could be included in therapeutic vaccines used in cure strategies such as the “kick and kill” approach to HIV control or the pharmacologic-immune control of HIV replication. I’ve already submitted the paper regarding this research. If accepted, it will mean a successful contribution to the field.

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This is the first in the series of interview prompt responses detailed earlier at Our Viral Lives. These prompts are intended to allow people to take time to think about HIV/AIDS without the direct pressure of an interview situation. These same people might be interviewed and recorded in a more complete way at a later date. These entries are edited only for certain punctuation and spelling errors. Otherwise, they are left as the author originally wrote them.


I’ve been living with HIV since 2013. After a long year living in Madrid, I came to México to get diagnosed with HIV. I remember that day as one of my worst days in my life, full of fear. Even though I’m living a very healthy life being undetectable, HIV is full of fear and prejudices that can end up in a depression and anxiety symptoms, like me. Living in México City life as a young gay men living with HIV sometimes has to be in silence for being afraid of rejections. Profound relationships can be hard to handle and the way you manage your sexuality sometimes is like peeling an onion, you might cry discovering your true sexual being, taking out all your beliefs.

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Vivo con VIH desde el 2013. Después de vivir un año Madrid, regresé a México para ser diagnosticado con VIH, recuerdo ese día como uno de los peores en mi vida, lleno de miedo. Aunque vivo una vida muy sana siendo indetectable. El virus esta lleno de miedos y prejuicios que pueden terminar en depresión o síntomas de ansiedad, como fue mi caso. Viviendo en la Ciudad de México como un joven gay portador de VIH algunas veces puede ser en silencio por el miedo a ser rechazado. Relaciones profundas  pueden ser difíciles de manejar y la forma en la que manejas tu sexualidad algunas veces es como pelar una cebolla, puedes llorar en el descubrimiento de tu verdadera identidad sexual, quitando todas tus creencias.